Some Jenn thoughts

Sometimes I feel like all I want to do is lay down, close my eyes and just dream. Never wake up. Just dream and dream and dream until that's all there is. Eternal dreams. Even if that means wasting away into nothingness. Sometimes I just want to dream, because sometimes, dreams feel better than being awake. Awakeness hurts. Awakeness means sadness and pain. It means sitting down and shutting up because that is what people have come to expect from you. It means holding your tongue because no matter what you say it will not make it any better for anyone. It might make you feel a little better for a moment, knowing that people know how you feel and what you think but then seeing that your thoughts and feelings are hurting those around you makes you wish you had never spoken up, that you had sat down and held your tongue because things are better that way. Aren't they?
People tell me that I need to do what makes me happy, but what if doing that means hurting those closest and dearest to me? What if hurting them makes me unhappy? How can I win? What do I do if every action I make hurts someone? How do I balance those scales? How do I pull evenly on the heartstrings that those around me never let go of? How do I make everyone get along? How do you teach people to forgive and forget? How do you tell them, and make them listen, when you're best at sitting down and shutting up?
I feel as if I have a million different heartstrings being pulled in a million different directions. I have wonderful boyfriend, who I love very much, trying to pull me to him. I have multiple beautiful families, who have and always will be there for me, trying to pull me towards them. I have great friends, who I greatly appreciate, trying to pull me towards them. Then I have me, nothing special, just plain old me, trying to make things work, trying to hold myself together before my heartstrings finally fall apart, before they fray and break and leave me broken and bleeding.
I'm already starting to rip. I can feel it. I feel it in my bones, in my heart, in my gut. I feel the threads being pulled harder and harder and I can't take it. I can't take being pulled so hard. I am strong but I'm not invincible and I need help. I need a way to bring all my strings back together so instead of pulling me apart, they're stitching me together. Instead of turning me into nothingness, they should be stitching a beautiful blanket of warmth and love, compassion and acceptance.
That's what I am trying to do for them. Give them some of my thread to help create and heal their blankets, to help patch the holes and add new squares on their quilt of life. I'm trying to help. I'm trying to give and appease everyone and make them all happy but that's just not possible with the people in my life. It's not possible to make everyone happy all at once. So maybe I should make them all unhappy... Then they'll be united... Right? They'll finally understand how I feel. I'm not talking suicide.
Sometimes I just want to leave, to get in my car and run away and never look back. To go home this semester, save up as much money as I can, sell all my things, and after summer, just leave. Just get in my car with a few items of clothing and all the money I could save, and just leave. Maybe get on a plane and fly away. Fly to amazing places. Maybe I'll go live in the amazon. How warm and beautiful it would be. Go "find myself". Go on an expedition, an adventure. Leave everyone behind. Then I'm not picking favorites. I'm not putting anyone any higher than anyone else. I'm choosing me. I'm choosing to find me and not let anyone have any impact on it. I'm choosing happiness.
Did anyone ever think that maybe I really haven't been choosing favorites at all this whole time? Maybe I've been choosing what I feel everyone should be able to understand because, if you all truly loved me, you would want to see me happy, and maybe doing whatever it is I choose to do, even if it doesn't make you happy right then, knowing that it makes me happy, should be enough. Maybe I don't love anyone more than I love anyone else. Maybe I love you all. Maybe I hate you all and I just want to see the world burn. Maybe I am trying to figure out what I want and what makes me happy while I'm still young. Maybe I'm trying and I'm lost and alone because instead of trying to pull me together and help me, you're all pulling me apart because you all feel that you know what is best, and maybe you do know, any and every one of you, but maybe I need to learn that for myself. Instead of making me feel guilty about it, maybe ALL of you, should let me learn my own lesson. Let me fall and get hurt and then HELP ME BACK UP!!!! Maybe you ALL shouldn't shove me to the ground because YOU KNOW BEST.
Maybe, just maybe, you should learn from me. Put yourself and your hurt out of the equation, and look at it from my side, as I have been doing this whole time. Look at it from the eyes of a 19, almost 20 year old girl, who is lost and confused and trying to find her way in this crazy, grown up, selfish world. Look at it through my eyes, a girl who is in love, with multiple families and lots of friends all thinking of themselves and thinking they know best and maybe you'll see that she needs your help. That all of you don't know best and are only pulling her in opposing directions. That she needs some support and love and for the people she loves to help her, because she's hurting. Because she is lost and afraid and lonely. Because she doesn't want to choose between the people she loves.
Maybe she just needs some understanding. Someone who is willing to understand and help and love her through her mistakes and instead of making her feel bad, and making her feel like she's constantly making the wrong decisions. Maybe she needs them to forgive and move on and learn to help. Maybe she needs the people in her life who care about her the most, her parents, her siblings, her love, to work together, to get over things and work things out and help make her into the person she's supposed to be. Not into a girl who wishes that she didn't have to love anyone, a girl who wishes she had no feelings, a girl who wishes to run away, or fall asleep and never wake up, because she can't deal with the pain anymore.
Maybe you should talk to one another about your complaints and issues and stop going through me because hearing the problems you are too (insert adjective here) to say to one another hurts. It hurts me and I can't do it anymore.
But I can't say this to any of you because I know it will hurt you. I know you will turn around and make me feel bad for saying it. Each and every one of you will turn this back on me or on the ones that I love. I can't say this to you because I need to sit down and shut up. I can't say this, because all of you will tell me that I am wrong or you will blame these problems on others that I love because, of course, all of you can do no wrong. It is always someone else's fault. And because I love all of you more than I love myself, I will take the blame for all of this. I will sit down and I will shut up and I will accept my fate.
Now. Please, blow up my phone with texts and calls about how absolutely wrong I am. Please. I can take it.